Fear the She-Beest!

So I went today to the bike shop to take Bailey's bike to get a tune-up and cleaned up to make it work for the race, cause I just want to be sure I live through this first triathlon before I plunk downa bunch of money for a new road bike. And I thought - well, I better buy my helmet, cause I'm going to need one of those, LOL! First, let me just back up a second and say that the guys down at Owen Cyclery in Hixson, TN, are just top notch! They didn't try to talk me into the $190 helmet - they were very straight forward and honest, and came right out and told me that the $49 helmet passes the same safety ratings as those high-dollar ones, and the differences come in just that tad bit improved aerodynamics and teensy bit lighter weight. So since, at this point I am more concerned with avoiding a skull fracture than I am with shaving 1/2 an ounce off the weight of my head (which according to the little blonde kid in Jerry Macguire weighs 8 pounds), I got this way cool pink one! AND... Kurt thought I should get some bike gloves, and the guy did say that the padding in the gloves would make it easier to grip the handle bars and be more comfy on the paws... so we were looking at different ones, and there were foam pads and gel pads and no pads nad all these different things... and I looked and tried on and just couldn't decide... until I saw these puppies... I just KNEW I had to have them because they had "SHE-BEEST" on them, LOL!!! They weren't the cheapest pair, but I absolutely was not leaving the store with out my BEEST gear :) Cause I am SHE-BEEST hear me ROAR!!! :)

And the even most bodaciously exciting news of all is that I think I am actually going to be able to afford a real bike in the very near future! Thought for sure I'd have to spend thousands of dollars, but I can really get one for under $700!!!! I am so freaking excited I can't hardly stand myself, cause... guess what?! They even have LAYAWAY!!!!

WOOOOP WOOOOOP!

Letting It All Hang Out

Well, hello my blog readers... all three of you, LOL! It's been a couple of weeks since I've updated you guys about my training, and it's really too bad too, cause I really had some hilariously witty posts mulling around in my mind, but unfortunately those moments will be forever lost in the cobwebs of my memory, LOL! So instead, you get to enjoy a post full of the nitty gritty, unglamorous, low down reality of my journey.

In honor of my birthday, I took my measurements so I could at least start tracking some progress since the dangblasted scale hasn't budged! I swear that ridiculous hunk of digital technology has it out for me... otherwise, with all this running, swimming, and biking I've been doing, you'd think the numbers would be going down. But I digress... Anyway, whilest these may not be 100% accurate since I did it myself, here are my measurements such as they are... Oh, I was in my swimsuit, for the record, LOL!

Bust - 40", Waist - 41" at the belly button, Hips - 46 3/4", Thighs - 25 3/4", Calves - 14 1/8", and Biceps - 11 3/4".

In all honestly, I don't care so much about the number on the scale, as I do about changing my shape a little. Weight loss was not a part of my decision to take on this triathlon, but I'd sure like to go from looking so much like a cylindrical baby rhino on it's hind legs and a little more like a shapely gazelle, LOL. I would really honestly just like to midsection to diminish some -you know, for my waist measurement to be LESS than my boob measurement. I mean cmon, folks! The front on view isn't so bad, but the profile is a killer, LOL!

The disappointing part is I didn't have the presence of mind to take measurements when I started. But the good news is, I think something is happening! Not sure quite what it is, but some of the blubbery junk is nomadically moving out of the trunk and settling somewhere else, leaving no return address I hope! To test it out, I went to Old Navy yesterday to spend a Christmas gift card. Convinced I was just going to go in and get another pair of the size 16 Sweetheart jeans, I was surprized to find my hands grabbing differend pairs to try one. I went into the dressing room, and much to my shock, both pairs fit! I tried on size 14 Sweethearts and size 14 Dreamers, and they fit!!! And I didn't even have to pack & cram the chubby glory into the jeans - I just pulled them up and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzipped them up! YEEEHAAAAAAAW! Even took the following picture to commemorate the moment:

Doesn't this just scream "KISS MY BADONKADONK?"

Anyway, now my sights are set on those elusive size 12's... really I'd settle for for some muscular definition, cause right now the only definition I seem to have is the lumpy cottage cheesey fatness :)

Oh, I did have to decrease my training just a little. Going so hard-core 6 days a week was really a bit much... I mean, I was doing it, but it was all I could do to get through the training. Since I've scaled back to 4-5 days a week, I have noticed a big difference. I am actually making more progress and feeling stronger than when I was killing myself and barely able to get through. Maybe there is something to the old notion that rest time is necessary. Can't help wanting to go full bore though, because time is running out. Race Day is fast approaching - only 62 days, 15 hours, 25 minutes and 5 seconds to go... I just hope I'm ready!

Orca LIVES!

Ok ladies 'n' gents, I know you have been following some of my training ups and downs and crazy adventures, but I'm about to give you a visual treat to go right along with all the mental pictures. The triathlon I'm doing is wetsuit legal, and all of the reasearch I've done has told me that wetsuits are definitely beneficial to give you extra bouyancy (sp??) and warmth. And I need all the help I can get - my back end sinks like a freaking ANCHOR in the pool, LOL! So I searched and searched online for a wetsuit, since there is no place in Chattanooga that has them in person that I could find. I went to a bunch of manufacturer websites, and apparently, we are right in between seasons. All of the 2009 suits are sold out, and the 2010 haven't come out yet, so all that's available is a stray clearance suit here and there. Oh did I mention that I have turned into a cross dresser? Yeah - get this! They only make womens suits to fit up to about 170lbs - that's the largest I could find. So I had to go with a men's suit. But the good news is, I got a FANTASTIC deal online at Ebay, from the seller "ediscountbikes", and they have STELLAR customer service! I highly recommend shopping with them if, after seeing the photos below, you get the sudden urge to follow in my smokin' hot trend-setting style footsteps!

Anyway.... without further ado, I would like to introduce you to Orca :)

Now, mind you, I was not going commando under that wetsuit... you can probably see the lines from my underpants :) On race day, I'll have my race suit on under this - I ordered that one online too, and it should be here this week too. Don't worry - I'll post pics of that too, LOL! And really, I am hoping that, by posting these pics online, I get all the shame and embarassment out of the way, so that I could give a RIP what people think of my smokin' hot blubber butt on Race Day, LOL!

Anyway, that's the latest, folks! Now I'm off to watch Biggest Loser! How appropriate, huh?!

Antarctica ...Errr I mean Chattanooga!

Wow, folks... Who ever thought that I would ever experience this once I left Colorado:

Of course, having all of that white stuff falling from the sky meant we could enjoy making some snow ice cream last night! It was so much fun, and pretty dang tasty too! Although, it was more like a vanilla snow cone in a bowl, cause y'all know me - skim milk all the way... just couldn't bring myself to use regular white sugar or motor oil sweetened condensed milk!

Of course, now that means the whole world shuts down here - everything is closed! People here just don't know how to drive in it, so it's safer to stay inside. Naturally though, that means we all get cabin fever, LOL!

Color Does Matter

Some folks may be disillusioned enough to believe that size doesn't matter, but let me assure you, ladies and gents, that color choice most certainly DOES. Now we've already talked about how I have decided to break the fashion rules against spandex for those of us who may be anorexically challenged, because - hey - bulging here and there is WAYYYY better than suffering through an irritating raw spot anywhere NEAR the nether region from running in baggy shorts. But I digress... In my newfound wardrobe brazenness, I donned the tight knee length Danskin knit shorts and white T-back moisture-wicking tank top and headed off to the treadmill. These particular shorts are yellow, which at the time I bought them, made me think of warm summer. Well, folks, I promise you that I looked like anything but a ray of sunshine, LOL! As I hopped up on the treadmill and start to increase the speed, I notice something a little odd in my reflection in the glass. As I turn to check my backside in the mirror, much to my horror, I notice a really dark area about the size of 3/4 of my butt cheeks showing through my tight yellow pants. So not only did I look like a giant banana that swallowed a small baby rhino thundering along on the treadmill, I chose to wear a pair of DARK GREEN underpants to complete the ensemble. I had a split second thought of running away in shame, but thought better of it. I mean seriously, if I can push through scabby chafing, I can certainly run through the humiliation of showing everyone my big yellow and green rump. Besides, I think I deserve to scar someone else's retinas after puting up with Mr. BoogerSnot Man and Mr. Cardiac Man.

The moral of the story is ... well, I don't really have a moral for this story other than I am definitely going to stick to the darker hues of the rainbow on the next shopping trip, LOL!

Tri-ing to Train

Heya my bloggity blog blog friends! How is everyone doing? Me, well, I'm freaking POOPED! I know I was supposed to post a snippet of my training last week, but you'll understand why I didn't when I actually post it now, LOL!

So, for this week this is the low down on the training madness:

• Monday - bike 9 miles (I got about 11 in during spin class)
• Tuesday - Swim 650 yds, then walk/run intervals for 35 minutes (today was 2:30w/4:30r) then 5 min walking to cool down
• Wednesday - bike 9 miles (I will get about 11 in during spin class)
• Thursday - Swim 650 yds, then walk/run intervals for 35 minutes (2:30w/4:30r) then 5 min walking to cool down
• Friday off
• Saturday - Swim 650 yds, then bike 9 miles
• Sunday - walk/run intervals for 50 minutes

And next week, it looks like this...

• Monday - bike 15 miles
• Tuesday - Swim 700 yds, then walk/run intervals for 35 minutes (today was 2:30w/4:30r) then 5 min walking to cool down
• Wednesday - bike 9 miles (I will get about 11 in during spin class)
• Thursday - Swim 700 yds, then walk/run intervals for 35 minutes (2:30w/4:30r) then 5 min walking to cool down
• Friday - off
• Saturday - Swim 700 yds, then bike 9 miles
• Sunday - walk/run intervals for 50 minutes

Pretty brutal, and it will increase in intensity each week until the race. Some days it's all I can do to get through it, but I'm seeing progress. but I just HATE, LOATHE, DETEST, and DESPISE running. I've never been good at it, but I'm doing it because I have to, LOL... And actually to be honest, I don't hate it quite as bad as I did when this whole assenine adventure started. Back then on a scale of 1 to 10, my hatred pegged out at a 15. But now, several weeks into it, I'm down to about an 11 out of 10, so you see, we are making progress, LOL. Maybe even one day I will even... dare I say... LIKE IT?

Ok, so you guys want to hear something hysterically funny? I must warn you that your mind's eye is going to be scarred, LOL..

So last week - on Tuesday I think, my water bottle leaked a little into my gym bag, so I had to run with wet britches. See that's how dedicated I am... the old me would have chalked that up to another perfect reason to skip training, LOL. But I pressed forward, despite the mild irritation, LOL. Afterwards, I showered and went to get dressed, but lo and behold, apparently that water bottle leaked way more than I had originally thought. My jeans were SOAKED, right in the crotch area! And they weren't just damp, lol, so I was standing there in the Y locker room with a hair dryer at the crotch of my pants to try to dry them enough to wear them. 20 minutes later I just gave up and wore them, slightly damp, and just walked around like I had a soggy diaper on for a couple of hours, LOL. I learned my lesson and don't shove my water bottles down into my gym bag prior to training any more, LOL.

But that's not the FUNNIEST. I have my favoritest most comfy pair of shorts that I love to train in, cause they just move "with me". I usually bike in them, but on Thursday I wore them to run in. And, well... does the phrase "rising to the occasion" mean anything to you all? Imagine trying to run while trying to grab your shorts back from the starving jaws of your thighs every freaking 30 seconds! That got old real fast, so I just gave up and ran through it - disappearing shorts and all. Of course it was a little uncomfy at first, but the longer I ran, I was less concerned about the hide-n-seek game my shorts and thighs were playing and more concerned with not crashing and burning on the treadmill, LOL. Anyway, after I was done running, I finally snatched my britches out of my bum for good, got my stretching in, and hit the showers. Now here is the good part... close your eyes for a second, and think of how wonderful a nice hot shower feels when you've just worked yourself half to death coupled by the sense of accomplishment you get from pushing yourself to the limits (without your heart exploding). Pretty amazing feeling, isn't it?! Right up until the moment that wonderfully hot water mixed with body wash trickles down and finally runs over your extremely irritated thighs which have been chapped RAW from the last two training mishaps involving the shorts. In that split second, I went from floating on cloud 9 in Heaven to plummeting into the hottest fires in Hades... HOLY FREAKING CRAP! Now picture this... I'm butt-naked in the shower, hopping up and down, dancing around grabbing my thighs, screaming like a cat with his tail under the rocking chair, "OW OW OW OW OW!!!" All I can say is thank our Lord in Heaven for shower curtains and the fact that no one else was in any of the adjacent shower stalls! Thankfully my nether region is healing nicely, and I've put real running shorts on the shopping list! To HECK with the rule that only Barbie dolls can wear spandex... I make my OWN RULES NOW HAHAHAHA!

A New Year, A New Me!

Ok, so I have never been good at keeping resolutions, so I gave up on making them! But I thought my Kiwi friend has always been so good about taking time to think of me and check on me, and let me know she cares, that I though I would really make an effort to maintain my blog this year... even if she is the only one that reads it, LOL!

Speaking of my Kiwi friend, Shell, she sent me the most lovely card today! I don't know how she could have known that I needed the pick-me-up right now, or even how she knew the very subject I've been struggling with, especially since she has been in New Zealand for the holidays. But she really did, and I just love her! Shell, if you are reading this, I just love you for being my friend!!!! XOXOXOXO SMOOOOOOOOOOCHES!

*sniff*

So now that I've cleaned all the snot and tears off the keyboard :)

Anyway, thought I'd update you all on my triathlon journey! As of right now, the race is 14 weeks, 2 days, and 12 hours from now.... but who's counting, right? I've been training since last August, but got sidelined last fall with the knee injuries. I'm back to 100% now, even stronger than I was before I got hurt! Recently I've kicked my training into high gear, and OY VEY! I mean, OY stinkin' VEY! I train 6 days a week with one day off, which thankfully is tomorrow, and I do bricks on 3 out of the 6 days. Look at me "tri"-ing out my new "tri" lingo, LOL!!! HAHA! (A brick is when you train on two events back to back) On my training days during the week, I get up extra early and get busy before heading to work, and on Saturday and Sunday, I go later in the day.

Maybe this weekend I'll "tri" to post my training schedule so you can get an idea of the torture I've subjected myself to, but just as a peek, this morning, I left home at 5:30am, and swam 500yds, then went running on the treadmill for 40 minutes. Now, mind you I'm not full on running the entire time - I do it walking and running intervals of 3:30 minutes each up to 35 minutes and then 5 min cool down. SO it amounts to 17 1/2 minutes of actual running time, for a total distance of 2.66 miles. The ratio of walking and running time will change each week, so come Sunday, I'll be squeeling!

Have I mentioned how much I hate running? Seriously, I LOATHE, DETEST, DESPISE, and T-Totally HATE it. I've never been good at it, and I have always had a very tough time with it, which is why I have ALWAYS chosen other forms of exercise. But this triathlon is FORCING me to do it, and it is the most excruciating part of my training program. The people next to me must think I have lost my freaking mind, because the only thing that keeps me putting one foot in front of the other is to pray out loud, LOL! Hopefully my volume is low, like I think I'm doing it under my breath, but who really knows, LOL! But honestly, praying out loud is the only thing that has been able to keep my mind off of the sheer pain and misery I feel when I'm running. I'm hoping one day that I will learn to love it, and not just do it because I'm forced to. Cause Tuesday, let me just tell you that my level of freaking misery on a scale of 1 to 10, was 15!!! Of course, today it was only about 13, so it's an improvement I guess.

I've gotta take my tired behind to bed in a few minutes... But I'll try to remember to share a how I decided which category to register in!