Pressing the "RESET" Button

Well, hello again, my bloggy friends! It's been quite a little while since I've blogged about anything, and it's just been because I've been feeling like my life was put in a blender turned on "puree". Somewhere near the eand of January, I started feeling out of sorts - nothing I could put my finger on specifically, but just "not right". I assumed it was because I was getting close to needing another dose of my hormone pellets, so I just did the best I could with trying to force my way along "business as usual". I was able to take a fabulous vacation at the beginning of February to see my dear friend Shell in San Jose, and for the record, Shell, I will be forever indebted to you... You'll never know how very much I enjoyed that trip! It really helped me to remember to put "First Things First" and take time for joy! So when I got home, I tried to cut back on some of the things that were overwhelming me, and essentially I "uncommitted" myself to all of those activities I'd been trying to cram into those 2 spare minutes I'd find along the way. I thought it would help, but nothing seemed to make any difference. As a matter of fact, I just started feeling worse and worse, spiraling farther down to a place where motivation and desire and appreciation just seemed to disappear. I gave up on healthy eating, training, spending quality time with people I care about, and all that just broke my heart because it wasn't that I didn't want to do those things... I mean I wanted to want to, but I just couldn't make myself really want to enough to get up and do them. Sounds like jibberish, I know, but there's not really an easy explanation for where I was.

When I went to the doctor, hoping for more pellets to end this madness, we learned something completely unexpected. Oh, before I forget to mention, I decided to change doctors - I didn't like the old one anymore (really cold bedside manner), and the search for a new one just made me even later for pellets. Anyway, because I was a new patient, they had to do the whole "how do you do" blood work up and physical, and would not just slice-n-stuff my pellets like usual. I was so frustrated and sad, and at this point in my journey I was just a mess.... crying over every little thing, just desperate to find me again. but I'm telling you, it was a good thing they insisted, because getting those pellets at that time would have had really big consequences. We thought my problem was lack of hormones, but in reality, when my bloodwork came back, my levels were OFF THE CHARTS high for both the estrogen and testosterone. I was so shocked! I've been on the pellets for years, and no one had ever bothered to check them along the way. It's no wonder I felt like I wanted to do pinch somebody's head off and then felt horribly emotional and depressed at the same time! It was like Roid Rage, PMS, and Postpartum Depression got together and had some kind of hay day with my body.... brutal I tell ya! So, my new doctor (nurse midwife actually) has made a plan, and we're changing some medicines around to help me get back to normal. Subtract the pellets, add in progesterone, multiply all that by a little less hectic schedule and more sunshine, and we've got an equation for health with any luck!

After almost 2 months off of training and eating right, I'm finally starting to see the light! I've been out on a few runs, a swim and a couple of bike rides, and although I can tell I've lost some speed and it hurt really bad like I when I just started working out, but admittedly it is feeling really good to start making my way back to the land of the living! A couple of weeks ago, I got my Road ID in the mail. In the midst of my chaos, I had forgotten that I'd ordered it. And it was waiting for me when I got home one day. Once I looked at it, I couldn't help but feel that little spark ignite way down deep. I remembered the thrill I felt when I pedaled past that guy at the Tellico Sprint last year, and instantly knew whatever it takes, I'm going to get back in the race to the rhythm of Katie Perry (not that I advocate her views at all, but her song inspired the catch phrase on my Road ID)....

Thank you all for being patient and compassionate and for not giving up on me!